I have a new theory as to what the England team are doing - they've decided that the World Cup is the perfect time to offer everyone in the British Isles a public service. The Scots, the Welsh, and the Irish are having a fantastic time watching the English flail like a jellyfish drowning in Marmite (more than they could get from having their own team in the tournament), and what more could the English want than the perfect excuse to moan, and spit disappointed scorn into our pints, before whiling away the evening telling our friends what we'd be doing were we Fabio? (You could argue that's not so much a theory as a coping mechanism).
Sadly, as I write, my adopted second team of North Korea (and that's nothing to do with the post below this - I'd forgotten I'd written that) are getting the kicking of a lifetime (outside of the jail they'll be thrown in when they get back) from Portugal; and to answer a question lots of people have asked me, I believe that (disappointingly) the North Korean authorities are showing all North Korean games, whether they win or lose, but re-scheduling them so people can watch the game in the evening, and not three in the morning.
My favourite moment of the week in the tournament was the outbreak of lust and desire for human contact that paralysed the Slovenian team just before a USA free kick, causing a number of Slovenians to vigorously embrace the Americans, such that in the sheer confusion of this sudden penalty-box love in, the spectacular goal the USA scored was disallowed.
If you like your balls a bit smaller, then Wimbledon starts up today. I'm not going to pretend to be an expert on tennis (though any sport that incorporates strawberries as part of its identity has to be brilliant), but I have finally decided that I don't like Andy Murray. Anyone who can tweet that interestedly about tuna sushi, and has his bio as just "I play tennis," is clearly (in my books at least) a spanner of the finest, iron-clad, ocean going variety.
In other spanner related news, Jenson Button has thrown his toys out of the pram, and taken Mercedes to court because they wouldn't give him his £1 million championship winning car as a gift. I do quite like Jenson, but sometimes he can seem such a wazzock (and I don't know what he's planning to do with the car, F1 cars these days are so complicated you need four beardy blokes and a laptop to even think about starting them).
Finally, the impossibly named Thomas Lofkvist (some say he's The Stig), lead Team Sky Cycling to 12th in the Tour De Suisse, though with quite a few of the key riders now resting for the Tour De France, this result is respectable.
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